"I sure picked a great time to see some stand-up. Everything this comedian has talked about happened to him “just the other day."
— @MattMelvin
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"I’m here to kick ass and chew bubblegum, but I got beat up a lot in highschool and I now own the largest chewing gum company in the US."
— @MattMelvin
"I’ve got a joke about child molestation, but it’s a little touchy."
— @MattMelvin
"Now that I’ve started watching Doctor Who, I suddenly understand Tumblr so much better."
— @MattMelvin
"Had a fan ask for a link to my G-spot comic. Guess he’s having trouble finding it."
— @MattMelvin
Happy Star Wars Day! May the 4th be with you!
"Recently learned Rastafarians don’t believe in homosexuality. Apparently, one mon cannot marry another mon. #onelove"
— @MattMelvin
